I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
