i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Randomize
