they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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