I'm so fucking centered right now
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
