There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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