i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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