So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
