She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
