Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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