Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
