i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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