enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
