I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
