No, drunk sperm still make babies.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's shark week go big or go home
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
