mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
