I wish my penis had an off switch
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
