How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
