Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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