I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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