my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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