i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
