Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
