so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
