you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
