is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
