she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
