Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
