I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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