I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
It was confusing and full of hummus
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I think your dad took our porno
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
