I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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