this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
