Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
