I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
There's even glitter on my cock...
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