I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
