just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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