She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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