JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
