1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
