New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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