i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize