My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He better not be in your backpack
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
