Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
