then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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