This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
