I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
