Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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