to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
