Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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