you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
