I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
