Tell her she can't have a vagina
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
