I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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