She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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