nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
she told me i tasted like america
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
