It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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