I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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