Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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