Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
