i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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