I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
