u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
